Side Quest Stories: Psychosis in Their Own Words - Episode 6: Genevieve
Editor's Note
This transcript has been lightly edited for clarity, readability, and flow. Repetitions, filler words, and transcription artefacts have been removed while preserving the speaker's intended meaning and perspective.
Introduction
In the sixth and final episode of Side Quest Stories: Psychosis in Their Own Words, I speak with Dr Genevieve McKenzie, who reflects on her experiences of bipolar disorder, psychosis, hallucinations, recovery, and acceptance.
Genevieve discusses how psychosis has shaped her understanding of reality, the importance of support systems, and the value of seeking help when unusual experiences become overwhelming. Throughout the conversation, she offers a concise but powerful perspective on living with psychosis and finding stability over time.
Key Themes
Bipolar disorder
Auditory hallucinations
Command hallucinations
Recovery and acceptance
Support systems
Reality and perception
Help-seeking
Stigma and violence
Selected Quotes
"Psychosis is a reality that no one else experiences."
"Recovery means acceptance and being the best person you are in the present."
"This is happening in the moment, and it will be over."
Transcript
Introducing Dr Genevieve McKenzie
Dr Oli: Welcome to Episode Six of Side Quest Stories: Psychosis in Their Own Words, a podcast where I ask every guest the same questions and don't intervene. Not because I agree with everything that's said, but because the aim is to understand how different people make sense of their experiences in their own terms. My role is to hold the conversation, not resolve or evaluate it.
How would you like to introduce yourself?
Dr Genevieve McKenzie: Hi, I'm Dr Genevieve McKenzie.
This is my second time appearing on the stream, and I'm looking forward to seeing how the conversation unfolds.
Where Did Your Story With Psychosis Begin?
Dr Oli: Where does your story with psychosis begin?
Dr Genevieve McKenzie: My story began with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder.
Initially, I would hear music that wasn't actually present. Over time, those experiences evolved into auditory hallucinations.
Most often, they take the form of voices. Sometimes they are command hallucinations, while at other times they are simply background chatter.
There have also been periods where I experienced visual hallucinations and delusions alongside the voices.
The experiences have changed over time, but hallucinations have remained one of the central features of my psychosis.
What Is Psychosis To You?
Dr Oli: What is psychosis to you?
Dr Genevieve McKenzie: Psychosis is a reality that no one else experiences.
Of course, everyone experiences reality subjectively to some extent, but psychosis goes beyond that.
It can feel as though you're living within an entirely different atmosphere—one that exists outside the reality being experienced by the people around you.
For me, that's what makes psychosis distinct.
It's not simply a different interpretation of reality. It's a reality that others cannot directly access or experience.
What Does Recovery Mean To You?
Dr Oli: What does recovery mean to you?
Dr Genevieve McKenzie: Recovery means acceptance.
It means accepting yourself, accepting your circumstances, and focusing on being the best person you can be in the present moment.
Recovery isn't about becoming someone different.
It's about learning how to live with what you've experienced while continuing to move forward.
What Does Being Well Mean To You?
Dr Oli: What does being well mean to you?
Dr Genevieve McKenzie: Being well also begins with acceptance.
It means having a support system around you.
It means having people you can rely on when things become difficult.
And it means achieving a sense of equilibrium more often than disequilibrium.
Life will always contain challenges, but wellness is about finding a degree of balance that allows you to navigate those challenges successfully.
What Do People Get Wrong About Psychosis?
Dr Oli: What do people get wrong about psychosis?
Dr Genevieve McKenzie: One of the biggest misconceptions is the belief that psychosis is closely associated with violence.
While there are situations where violence can occur, I think those situations are often statistical anomalies rather than the norm.
Most often, psychosis is something that primarily affects the person experiencing it.
It's deeply personal.
The consequences are usually borne by the individual themselves rather than by the people around them.
I think public perceptions can sometimes exaggerate the connection between psychosis and violence, which contributes to stigma and misunderstanding.
What Advice Would You Give To Others?
Dr Oli: What advice do you have for others about psychosis?
Dr Genevieve McKenzie: My first piece of advice would be to seek medical help.
Whether psychosis appears in the context of a mental health condition, substance use, or any other cause, it's important to reach out for support.
If you're experiencing command hallucinations, I would especially encourage you to seek professional help as soon as possible.
I would also suggest keeping a journal.
Writing down hallucinations, delusions, and other experiences can help you track what's happening over time and identify patterns.
Most importantly, build a support system.
Reach out to people you trust and allow them to support you.
And try to accept what is happening in the moment.
That doesn't mean giving up or assuming things will never change.
It means recognising that this is something you're experiencing right now, and that it won't necessarily last forever.
Psychosis can pass.
Recovery is possible.
And you don't have to go through it alone.
Final Reflections
Dr Oli: That's a great note to end the episode on. Thank you so much.
Dr Genevieve McKenzie: No problem, Oli.
About Side Quest Stories
Side Quest Stories: Psychosis in Their Own Words is a series of conversations exploring lived experiences of psychosis, recovery, meaning, and mental health in participants' own words.
Across six interviews, participants describe very different journeys through psychosis, recovery, treatment, identity, and meaning-making. Together, these conversations highlight both the diversity of psychotic experiences and the shared human themes that often emerge alongside them: connection, understanding, resilience, and hope.
Thank you for reading Side Quest Stories: Psychosis in Their Own Words.
Side Quest Stories: Psychosis in Their Own Words - Episode 5: Ilyas
Editor's Note
This transcript has been lightly edited for clarity, readability, and flow. Repetitions, filler words, and transcription artefacts have been removed while preserving the speaker's intended meaning and perspective. Based on an interview conducted for Side Quest Stories: Psychosis in Their Own Words.
Introduction
In the fifth episode of Side Quest Stories: Psychosis in Their Own Words, I speak with Ilyas, a social worker from Ontario, Canada, who brings both professional and lived experience perspectives to the conversation.
Ilyas reflects on the gradual emergence of psychosis during adolescence, the role of cannabis use, the development of voice-hearing experiences, and the long journey of rebuilding a life after becoming unwell. Throughout the interview, he explores the concepts of shared reality, recovery, meaning, and wellbeing, drawing on both his personal experiences and his work supporting others experiencing psychosis.
Our conversation examines the complexity of psychosis, the limitations of public understanding, and the importance of compassion, community, and purpose in recovery.
Key Themes
Voice hearing
Cannabis and psychosis
Shared reality
Recovery and meaning
Social work and lived experience
Community and support
Stigma and misconceptions
Building a life worth living
Selected Quotes
"For me, psychosis is a disconnection from our shared reality."
"Recovery is a nonlinear journey towards building the life you feel is worth living."
"You don't have control over the past, but you do have some control over the present and therefore some influence over the future."
Transcript
Introducing Ilyas
Dr Oli: Welcome to Episode Five of Side Quest Stories: Psychosis in Their Own Words, a podcast where I ask every guest the same questions and don't intervene. Not because I agree with everything that's said, but because the aim is to understand how different people make sense of their experiences in their own terms. My role is to hold the conversation, not resolve or evaluate it.
How would you like to introduce yourself?
Ilyas: Thank you.
I'm Ilyas. I'm from Ontario, Canada. I work in mental health as a social worker, and I've also experienced psychosis myself.
I've been diagnosed with a psychotic disorder, so I occupy a somewhat unusual position where I have both professional and lived experience perspectives on these issues.
Where Did Your Story With Psychosis Begin?
Dr Oli: Where does your story with psychosis begin?
Ilyas: It's difficult to identify a precise beginning because psychosis can be remarkably gradual.
For me, the prodromal phase probably began much earlier than I realised at the time.
Looking back, I can see signs emerging during high school, particularly when I was around sixteen to eighteen years old.
Cannabis played a significant role in my story.
Initially, unusual thoughts appeared primarily when I was intoxicated. I would have strange ideas or unusual interpretations of events, but when I sobered up I could dismiss them fairly easily.
At first, they felt temporary.
Over time, however, those experiences became harder to shake.
By the time I was nineteen or twenty, the experiences had intensified significantly.
I had moved away from home to attend university. I was in a new city, surrounded by new people, new pressures, and new experiences.
Eventually, my mental health and substance use collided.
What followed was a period where I began hearing a voice.
At first, it was present in the background of my life, commenting on things and influencing my thinking. Over time it became more demanding and more threatening.
The voice would instruct me to do specific things. Sometimes it would tell me that I needed to travel to a particular location before a certain time or terrible things would happen to people I loved.
I became convinced that if I failed to follow these instructions, my family would be harmed.
As a result, I spent long periods travelling around the city trying to satisfy the demands of the voice.
If I failed to arrive somewhere in time, I would plead with it.
Sometimes it seemed to negotiate with me, offering new instructions or new deadlines.
My entire life became organised around trying to respond to its demands.
Looking back, the easiest way to describe the voice is that it felt omniscient, omnipresent, and immensely powerful.
Gradually, it took over my internal world.
What had once been a passing experience became the foundation of how I understood reality.
That was the most frightening part.
It wasn't simply hearing a voice.
It was the way it slowly reshaped my understanding of the world until it felt unquestionably real.
What Is Psychosis To You?
Dr Oli: What is psychosis to you?
Ilyas: There are many ways to answer that question.
Professionally, I can talk about positive symptoms, negative symptoms, cognitive difficulties, emotional changes, and social withdrawal.
Those definitions have value.
But personally, I think of psychosis differently.
For me, psychosis is a disconnection from shared reality.
The idea of shared reality has become incredibly important in my life.
Reality itself is a surprisingly difficult thing to define.
Philosophers have debated it for centuries.
What I eventually came to appreciate is that much of reality is negotiated collectively.
We agree that certain things are happening. We share experiences. We compare perspectives. We validate one another's observations.
Psychosis disrupts that process.
The person begins living within a reality that becomes increasingly disconnected from the reality being shared by the people around them.
That doesn't mean their experiences aren't real to them.
They absolutely are.
The voice I heard was real to me.
The fears I experienced were real to me.
The consequences felt real to me.
The challenge is that those experiences gradually become separated from what other people can observe and verify.
For me, recovery involved reconnecting with shared reality through trusted relationships, community, and support.
The antidote to psychosis wasn't simply being told I was wrong.
It was having people help me reconnect with a reality that existed beyond my own isolated experience.
What Does Recovery Mean To You?
Dr Oli: What does recovery mean to you?
Ilyas: I often describe recovery as:
A nonlinear journey towards building a life you feel is worth living.
Every part of that definition matters.
The word nonlinear is especially important because most people don't recover in a straight line.
They improve, struggle, learn, relapse, grow, and continue moving forward.
That was certainly true in my case.
Recovery wasn't a single event.
It was a long process of trial and error.
It involved figuring out what mattered to me and what kind of life I wanted to build.
Once I had some sense of direction, I could begin making decisions that moved me towards that life.
Values became important.
Relationships became important.
Goals became important.
Meaning became important.
Recovery eventually became about much more than symptom management.
It became about creating a future.
As far as I know, I only get one opportunity to live this particular life.
That perspective motivates me.
I want to use the time I have well.
I want to do meaningful things.
I want to contribute something.
I often joke that my goal is simply to do as much interesting and worthwhile stuff as possible.
There's humour in that idea, but there's also truth.
Recovery is ultimately about creating a life that feels worth inhabiting.
What Does Being Well Mean To You?
Dr Oli: What does being well mean to you?
Ilyas: Wellness is more than the absence of illness.
The World Health Organization has often described health in those terms, and I think there's a lot of wisdom in that.
It's not enough simply to remove suffering.
Something meaningful needs to take its place.
One thing I've noticed is that many people are left with a large empty space after recovery.
When symptoms begin to fade, a question emerges:
What now?
What fills the space that illness once occupied?
I think that's particularly important for people who hear voices.
I've spoken with people whose voices were among the most consistent presences in their lives.
Even when those experiences were distressing, they were still relationships of a sort.
Removing them without replacing them with connection, meaning, purpose, or community can leave people profoundly lonely.
For me, wellness is about what occupies the space that illness once consumed.
It's about relationships.
Purpose.
Meaning.
Community.
Agency.
The ability to make choices.
The ability to pursue things that matter.
If I have room in my life to do things that are meaningful and fulfilling, that's wellness.
What Do People Get Wrong About Psychosis?
Dr Oli: What do people get wrong about psychosis?
Ilyas: Quite a lot, unfortunately.
One of the biggest problems is that most people's understanding of psychosis comes from seeing someone on the worst day of their life.
They see a crisis.
They see distress.
They see behaviour that makes headlines.
What they don't see is everything that comes afterward.
They don't see recovery.
They don't see people returning to school, raising families, building careers, contributing to their communities, or living meaningful lives.
Those stories are far less visible.
Before my own experience, I had very little understanding of psychosis.
Now I realise how incomplete that understanding was.
Another misconception is that psychosis is always obvious to the person experiencing it.
Sometimes there are moments of doubt or insight.
But often the experiences feel entirely real.
The voice I heard felt real.
The fears felt real.
The instructions felt real.
That's what makes psychosis so difficult to navigate.
I also think people underestimate how diverse psychosis can be.
There isn't a single psychosis story.
Some people experience a brief episode and recover quickly.
Others face longer and more complicated journeys.
Some require ongoing support.
Others return to previous activities relatively quickly.
There isn't one path.
There isn't one outcome.
Perhaps the biggest misconception of all is that psychosis is a life sentence.
Many people assume that experiencing psychosis means the end of a meaningful future.
I don't believe that's true.
It may be the end of the life you expected.
But it can also be the beginning of a life you never anticipated.
There are countless stories of recovery, growth, adaptation, and meaning-making that rarely receive attention.
Those stories matter.
What Advice Would You Give To Others?
Dr Oli: What advice do you have for others about psychosis?
Ilyas: I often think about what I would tell my younger self.
Part of me wishes I had understood psychosis earlier.
Perhaps I would have recognised some warning signs.
Perhaps I would have sought help sooner.
But I also think it's important to recognise that psychosis is complicated.
People often carry a great deal of guilt after becoming unwell.
They replay decisions and wonder what they should have done differently.
They blame themselves for using substances, ignoring symptoms, or resisting treatment.
The reality is usually far more complicated than that.
There are risk factors, certainly.
Cannabis use can increase risk.
Stress can increase risk.
Many different factors can contribute.
But no one has perfect foresight.
No one knows exactly how their future will unfold.
So my advice is to approach yourself with compassion.
You cannot change the past.
What you can influence is the present.
And through the present, you can influence parts of the future.
Recovery is difficult.
It's one of the hardest things I've ever done.
It's not something most people accomplish alone.
I've been supported by family, friends, clinicians, colleagues, mentors, and countless others.
Recovery is often a collective achievement.
So if you're struggling, focus on what you can do today.
Ask what small step moves you closer to the life you want.
Keep moving towards meaning.
Keep moving towards connection.
Keep moving towards a life that feels worth living.
Because that future is possible.
Final Reflections
Dr Oli: That's a lovely way to end the episode. Thank you so much. That was awesome. Really interesting. I really enjoyed it.
Ilyas: Thank you.
Dr Oli: I'll stop the recording and we'll have a little chat about uploading the episode.
About Side Quest Stories
Side Quest Stories: Psychosis in Their Own Words is a series of conversations exploring lived experiences of psychosis, recovery, meaning, and mental health in participants' own words.
The series brings together diverse perspectives on psychosis, creating space for reflection, dialogue, and understanding beyond simple explanations or single narratives.
Explore more episodes in the series as they are published.
Side Quest Stories: Psychosis in Their Own Words - Episode 4: John
Editor's Note
This transcript has been lightly edited for clarity, readability, and flow. Repetitions, filler words, and transcription artefacts have been removed while preserving the speaker's intended meaning and perspective. Based on an interview conducted for Side Quest Stories: Psychosis in Their Own Words.
Introduction
In the fourth episode of Side Quest Stories: Psychosis in Their Own Words, I speak with John, a filmmaker, podcaster, and long-time mental health advocate whose experiences of psychosis have shaped both his creative work and his understanding of human experience.
John reflects on his first episode following university, a period characterised by sleeplessness, intense creativity, unusual artistic experiments, and a profound shift in how he experienced reality. Throughout the conversation, he explores psychosis through the lenses of art, metaphor, culture, and meaning, while questioning simplistic explanations that reduce complex human experiences to biology alone.
Our discussion touches on creativity, recovery, stigma, curiosity, and the importance of listening to people who have lived through psychosis themselves.
Key Themes
Creativity and psychosis
Meaning and metaphor
Recovery and peer support
Stigma and discrimination
Art and altered states
Identity and diagnosis
Lived experience expertise
Mental health narratives
Selected Quotes
"Psychosis is the death of metaphor."
"I would say psychosis is inherently meaningful."
"Listen to people who have experienced it. They'll tell you more than any textbook ever will."
Transcript
Introducing John
Dr Oli: Welcome to Episode Four of Side Quest Stories: Psychosis in Their Own Words, a podcast where I ask every guest the same questions and don't intervene. Not because I agree with everything that's said, but because the aim is to understand how different people make sense of their experiences in their own terms. My role is to hold the conversation, not to resolve or evaluate it.
How would you like to introduce yourself?
John: I suppose the conventional answer is that my name is John and I'm a filmmaker.
Although if I had my way, someone else would introduce me with smoke machines, dramatic lighting, a boxing announcer, and maybe being lowered from the ceiling on a rope.
The introduction would probably be much more impressive than the reality.
But yes, my name is John, I'm a filmmaker, and I've experienced what people call psychosis. That's why I'm here.
Where Did Your Story With Psychosis Begin?
Dr Oli: Where does your story with psychosis begin?
John: That's always a difficult question because, as therapists often say, everything seems to begin somewhere much earlier.
But if I had to identify a clear starting point, it would probably be the first time I was sectioned, around fifteen or sixteen years ago.
At the time, I had just finished my first year of university.
I stopped sleeping.
At the same time, I experienced an enormous surge of energy and ideas.
Over the course of several weeks, I became increasingly manic.
What that looked like was intense creativity. I was constantly making things.
I wasn't just painting with paint. I was painting with coffee.
I wasn't creating conventional artwork. I was arranging cereal across the floor as though it contained hidden messages. I was constructing installations out of found objects, broken glass, and whatever happened to be available.
I was recording myself for hours, talking into a dictaphone about theories of life, existence, and reality.
I would stay awake all night, walk around town barefoot, and film strange experiments that felt deeply significant at the time.
One example I always remember is putting a beef burger into a DVD tray and feeling as though I had created a profound work of art.
Looking back, I can appreciate how unusual that sounds.
But at the time, it felt meaningful.
It felt as though I had broken through into a different way of seeing the world.
For the first time in my life, I felt as though I understood who I was.
I felt as though I had found answers to questions and anxieties that had followed me throughout adolescence.
The experience gave me a powerful sense of meaning.
Eventually, however, other people became concerned, and I was taken to hospital by the police.
That was the first time I heard the word psychosis applied to what I was experiencing.
What Is Psychosis To You?
Dr Oli: What is psychosis to you?
John: That's probably one of my favourite questions.
I host a podcast called Coffee and Psychosis, and I ask almost everyone that question because the answers are always fascinating.
The standard clinical definition never really captures it for me.
One metaphor I like is the image of a volcano.
Something builds beneath the surface for a long time, and eventually it erupts.
But my favourite description comes from the phrase:
"Psychosis is the death of metaphor."
The first time I heard that, it immediately resonated with me.
During psychosis, things that would normally function as metaphors suddenly become literal.
The symbolic becomes real.
That connected deeply with my creative interests.
I studied film production and often felt creatively constrained. Art is usually allowed only in certain places—galleries, cinemas, exhibitions, studios.
Society generally accepts creativity when it's contained.
But if you start living creatively outside those boundaries, people become uncomfortable.
Psychosis felt like a collapse of that distinction.
The imagination stopped being confined to art and started spilling directly into reality.
For me, psychosis is extraordinarily creative.
It's a testament to the brain's capacity to construct meaning, stories, images, and possibilities.
Why it happens is a more difficult question.
Part of me thinks that when reality becomes overwhelming, the mind begins generating something different in order to cope.
What I struggle with is the idea that psychosis is simply a meaningless symptom of an underlying biological disorder.
That explanation feels incomplete.
It feels reductive.
I would say psychosis is inherently meaningful.
What Does Recovery Mean To You?
Dr Oli: What does recovery mean to you?
John: Recovery is a complicated term.
Historically, it emerged from peer-support movements as a way of empowering people to live meaningful and fulfilling lives despite mental health challenges.
I think that original spirit remains valuable.
At the same time, I think the concept has sometimes been absorbed into systems and institutions in ways that change its meaning.
Sometimes recovery becomes linked to productivity, employment, and returning people to socially acceptable roles.
That isn't necessarily wrong, but it isn't the whole picture either.
For me, recovery has to remain centred on the individual.
It's about building a meaningful life.
It's about relationships, creativity, purpose, community, and autonomy.
It's about finding ways to live well after difficult experiences.
I think it's worth maintaining a healthy scepticism about how recovery is defined and who gets to define it.
At its best, recovery empowers people.
At its worst, it risks becoming another way of measuring people against external expectations.
What Does Being Well Mean To You?
Dr Oli: What does being well mean to you?
John: One quote I often return to comes from Jiddu Krishnamurti:
"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."
I've always found that idea compelling.
For me, being well isn't necessarily about happiness.
It's not a permanent state.
Life naturally contains highs and lows.
Moments of wellbeing come and go.
What matters more is whether I'm able to function in daily life and engage with the things that matter to me.
Can I make films?
Can I maintain relationships?
Can I pursue the projects and interests that give my life meaning?
Those questions feel more important than whether I can confidently declare myself "well."
I'm also not sure anyone remains permanently well.
Wellbeing seems temporary and fluid.
It's something that moves rather than something you permanently achieve.
What Do People Get Wrong About Psychosis?
Dr Oli: What do people get wrong about psychosis?
John: I think the first mistake is assuming that psychosis is completely incomprehensible.
People often encounter experiences that seem irrational or bizarre and conclude that there is nothing to understand.
They stop being curious.
But if you're willing to listen, there is often meaning beneath the surface.
The content of people's fears, beliefs, and unusual experiences frequently reflects the world around them.
During the Cold War, people worried about spies and nuclear war.
Today people may worry about social media, surveillance, or artificial intelligence.
That tells us something important.
Psychosis doesn't occur in a vacuum.
It reflects culture, history, environment, and personal experience.
At the same time, I think people can go too far in the opposite direction.
There is a temptation to believe that everything can be perfectly understood if we analyse hard enough.
I don't think that's true either.
Psychosis emerges from countless interacting factors.
Some aspects may remain mysterious.
Trying to explain every detail can become exhausting and even harmful.
Another major misunderstanding concerns violence.
The words psychotic and psychosis are often used as shorthand for danger.
That association creates enormous stigma.
People hear the label and assume risk.
They assume threat.
But the reality is that people experiencing mental health difficulties are often far more likely to experience violence than to commit it.
That misunderstanding affects employment, relationships, healthcare, and everyday interactions.
I also think there is a tendency to romanticise psychosis.
Sometimes people portray it as a mystical gift or magical power.
I find that just as problematic as reducing it to pathology.
Both extremes miss the complexity of the experience.
Finally, I think some researchers, professionals, and commentators can end up fetishising psychosis.
The experience becomes fascinating as an idea while the actual human beings living through it are overlooked.
That's something I remain uncomfortable with.
What Advice Would You Give To Others?
Dr Oli: What advice do you have for others about psychosis?
John: My first instinct is to jokingly say:
Read a book.
But underneath the joke, there is a serious point.
Listen to multiple perspectives.
Don't settle for a single explanation.
Read psychology.
Read sociology.
Read neuroscience.
Read philosophy.
But most importantly, listen to people who have actually experienced psychosis.
For much of history, people who experienced madness were assumed to have no insight into their own lives.
I think that's a mistake.
People who have lived through these experiences often have profound knowledge about them.
That doesn't mean every explanation is correct.
But it does mean their perspectives matter.
I also think we need to challenge the assumption that people experiencing psychosis are incapable of reflection, therapy, growth, or recovery.
I've had professionals tell me that I'd never work again and would remain on medication for the rest of my life.
Those predictions turned out to be wrong.
And I don't think it's helpful for people to hear those kinds of messages.
So my advice would be:
Stay curious.
Listen widely.
Treat lived experience as a valuable source of knowledge.
And never assume that someone's future has already been written.
Final Reflections
Dr Oli: I think that's a great place to leave it. Thank you so much for coming on. That's all the questions.
John: Thanks for having me. It was fun.
Dr Oli: That was really interesting. I'll stop the recording and check in with you afterwards, but thanks so much for being here.
John: Thank you.
About Side Quest Stories
Side Quest Stories: Psychosis in Their Own Words is a series of conversations exploring lived experiences of psychosis, recovery, meaning, and mental health in participants' own words.
The series brings together diverse perspectives on psychosis, creating space for reflection, dialogue, and understanding beyond simple explanations or single narratives.
Explore more episodes in the series as they are published.
Side Quest Stories: Psychosis in Their Own Words - Episode 3: Irnes
Editor's Note
This transcript has been lightly edited for clarity, readability, and flow. Repetitions, filler words, and transcription artefacts have been removed while preserving the speaker's intended meaning and perspective. Based on an interview conducted for Side Quest Stories: Psychosis in Their Own Words.
Introduction
In the third episode of Side Quest Stories: Psychosis in Their Own Words, I speak with Irnes, a former refugee from the Bosnian War, mental health clinician, advocate, athlete, and filmmaker.
Irnes reflects on a life shaped by displacement, trauma, migration, and resilience. He traces his understanding of psychosis back not to his first episode as a university student, but to the early experiences of war, exile, and survival that shaped his nervous system long before he ever encountered mental health services.
Our conversation explores trauma, recovery, identity, community, meaning-making, and the importance of understanding psychosis within the broader context of a person's life story.
Key Themes
Trauma and displacement
Refugee experiences
Psychosis and meaning
Recovery and self-awareness
Community and belonging
Family support
Critiques of psychiatric systems
Purpose and advocacy
Selected Quotes
"I used to think my story began with psychosis. Now I think it began with war."
"Psychosis felt less like a disease and more like a meaningful response to overwhelming experiences."
"Wellness happens in the community. It does not happen in confinement."
Transcript
Introducing Irnes
Dr Oli: Welcome to Episode Three of Side Quest Stories: Psychosis in Their Own Words, a podcast where I ask every guest the same questions and don't intervene. Not because I agree with everything said, but because the aim is to understand how different people make sense of their experiences in their own terms. My role is to hold the conversation, not resolve or evaluate it.
How would you like to introduce yourself?
Irnes: My name is Irnes Zulkovic. I'm a former refugee from the Bosnian War. I'm married, I have two daughters, and I spend a lot of my life balancing family, work, and community.
I'm an athlete. I love basketball, pickleball, and almost any sport. I'm also a mental health clinician and an IT coordinator for a program where I was once a patient myself.
I'm the executive producer of a documentary called Resist, which tells my personal story of trauma, psychosis, police violence, and recovery.
Today, much of my work focuses on helping people understand psychosis through a trauma-informed and human-centred lens. I spend a lot of time advocating for approaches that challenge systems and practices that can sometimes cause more harm than good.
Where Did Your Story With Psychosis Begin?
Dr Oli: Where does your story with psychosis begin?
Irnes: For a long time, I thought my story began in my early twenties when I experienced my first psychotic episode as a university student.
Looking back now, I think it began much earlier.
I think it began with war.
In 1992, when I was four years old, my family fled the war in the former Yugoslavia. We escaped a genocide and spent years living with fear, displacement, uncertainty, and survival.
When I reflect on those early years, I think I developed a hypervigilant nervous system long before I ever experienced psychosis.
As a child, I didn't understand why we were leaving our home, why we were unwanted, or why everything familiar was disappearing. Those experiences shaped the way I understood reality.
I remember travelling to Germany and seeing people crying, vomiting, and grieving on the bus as they left their homes behind.
I remember standing with my mother at public telephone booths while she called relatives to find out who was alive, who had died, and whose homes had been destroyed.
I remember living in refugee accommodation surrounded by fences and barbed wire, feeling as though we were outsiders who didn't belong.
Those experiences stayed with me.
In Germany, I quickly learned the language and became a translator for my family. I found myself helping adults navigate systems I barely understood myself.
Eventually, we received notice that we had to leave Germany because we didn't have citizenship. Returning to Bosnia wasn't a realistic option, and so our family eventually moved to Canada with little more than a few suitcases.
Growing up in Canada, I developed a strong desire to be the perfect immigrant.
I worked hard in school. I became highly achievement-oriented. I was heavily involved in sports, captain of multiple teams, academically successful, and constantly striving.
Looking back, I think much of that was driven by fear.
I felt that making mistakes might somehow threaten the security we had finally found.
Over time, the pressure continued to build.
By the time I reached university, I was carrying trauma, responsibility, perfectionism, and increasing stress.
In my fourth year, I became overwhelmed.
I was accumulating debt. I was uncertain about my future. I was sleeping less and less. I began withdrawing socially and spending long periods wandering the city alone.
Eventually, I experienced my first psychotic episode.
During that episode, I lost touch with reality. Police became involved, and I was violently restrained during the incident. That event was later shared publicly online.
What followed was not only psychosis, but also significant trauma.
I was admitted to an inpatient psychiatric unit, and when I eventually left hospital, an entirely new chapter of my life began.
What Is Psychosis To You?
Dr Oli: What is psychosis to you?
Irnes: I can only answer that from my own experience.
For me, psychosis did not feel like a disease or a brain disorder.
It felt more like the culmination of prolonged stress, trauma, and a nervous system that had been operating in survival mode for many years.
Psychosis felt like a meaningful response to experiences that had never been fully processed or understood.
It felt as though my mind was trying to create language for things that ordinary words had never been able to capture.
When I think about psychosis, I think about fear, injustice, displacement, oppression, trauma, and the impact of living within systems that place enormous strain on people.
My thoughts became fragmented because many parts of my life had been fragmented.
Psychosis felt symbolic.
It felt like my mind was communicating something important through a language that didn't always make sense on the surface.
That's why I believe understanding psychosis requires understanding the person's history, environment, relationships, and experiences.
If we strip away the social and psychological context, we risk missing the point entirely.
For me, psychosis is inseparable from trauma, history, and environment.
What Does Recovery Mean To You?
Dr Oli: What does recovery mean to you?
Irnes: Sometimes it's easier to understand recovery by first understanding what recovery isn't.
Recovery wasn't sitting on the couch, taking medication, and waiting for life to happen.
Recovery wasn't withdrawing from people.
Recovery wasn't giving up the things I loved.
What I gradually learned was that recovery involves becoming aware of your mind, your body, and your environment.
It's about paying attention.
It's about getting good sleep, exercising, socialising, and learning how to feel safe in your own body again.
It's about taking ownership of your health rather than handing responsibility entirely to someone else.
Recovery also means learning how to experience difficult emotions without becoming overwhelmed by them.
Most importantly, recovery is ongoing.
It's not something that happens once and then ends.
Like physical health, mental health requires daily practice.
I often compare it to brushing your teeth.
If you brush your teeth consistently, the benefits accumulate over time. If you neglect them for years, problems emerge.
Recovery works the same way.
It requires regular attention and care.
What Does Being Well Mean To You?
Dr Oli: What does being well mean to you?
Irnes: Being well means living a purposeful life.
It means having structure, responsibilities, relationships, and meaningful work.
Today, a big part of my wellbeing comes from the fact that I love the work I do. I once received support from the mental health system, and now I have the opportunity to help shape it.
That gives my work meaning.
Sports are another important part of my wellbeing.
After spending the day having serious conversations, I often need spaces where I can simply play, laugh, compete, and be present.
Those ordinary moments matter.
When people talk about recovery, they sometimes imagine dramatic transformations.
But much of recovery is actually found in everyday life.
It's friendships.
It's routine.
It's purpose.
It's identifying relationships or habits that are helping you grow and letting go of those that are holding you back.
Wellness isn't perfection.
It's the ongoing process of building a life that supports your health.
What Do People Get Wrong About Psychosis?
Dr Oli: What do people get wrong about psychosis?
Irnes: Before answering that, I think it's important to acknowledge what we're getting right.
Access to care has improved. Early intervention services have expanded. Many people now have access to multidisciplinary support teams, including psychiatrists, social workers, counsellors, employment specialists, and recreational supports.
Those are important developments.
Where I think we continue to struggle is with long-term recovery.
I believe wellness happens in communities, not institutions.
Hospitals can play an important role during crises, but lasting recovery emerges through relationships, family, meaningful activity, and community participation.
I also think the word psychosis itself can be deeply stigmatizing.
Sometimes I wonder whether what we call psychosis might be better understood as a type of nervous-system breakdown occurring in response to overwhelming circumstances.
I think we often overemphasise genetics and underemphasise trauma, social conditions, instability, and adversity.
Psychosis is as much social as it is clinical.
Another concern I have is how insight is often defined.
Too often, insight becomes equated with agreeing with clinicians.
If someone questions a diagnosis or disagrees with a framework, that disagreement is sometimes interpreted as denial or lack of insight.
But genuine insight can emerge in many different ways.
For me, insight emerged through family, community, relationships, and real-life experiences.
Some of my most important moments of recovery occurred when I left the hospital temporarily and spent time with people who knew me and cared about me.
Those experiences helped me reconnect with reality.
I also think we sometimes overlook the meaning behind symptoms.
When I look back at some of my experiences during psychosis, they weren't random.
They reflected fears, conflicts, values, and struggles that I needed to understand.
The surface behaviour may have appeared bizarre, but underneath it there was meaning.
I believe we need to spend more time exploring that meaning and less time reducing people to symptoms and checklists.
Ultimately, I think psychosis is relational.
It's connected to trauma, community, identity, and lived experience.
When we ignore those dimensions, we contribute to stigma rather than reducing it.
What Advice Would You Give To Others?
Dr Oli: What advice do you have for others about psychosis?
Irnes: The first thing I'd say is that you're not broken.
Whatever you're experiencing makes sense within the context of your life, even if that meaning isn't immediately obvious.
Take time to understand yourself.
Look at your experiences, your symptoms, your history, and the challenges you've faced.
Ask how they're connected.
Be honest with yourself.
Take responsibility for your health.
Take risks.
Say yes to opportunities.
Connect with people.
Build a life beyond treatment.
Recovery isn't simply about medication or appointments.
It's about participation.
It's about engaging with life.
The more open and honest you can be—with yourself and with the people supporting you—the better your chances of finding a path forward.
Most importantly, don't assume your future has already been decided.
Psychosis does not automatically mean a life of permanent disability.
There is always the possibility of growth, understanding, and recovery.
Final Reflections
Dr Oli: That's a great place to leave it. That was the last question. Thank you so much.
Irnes: No problem. Thank you, Oli.
Dr Oli: I'll stop the recording and have a quick chat with you afterwards, but thank you so much for being here.
Irnes: Thank you.
About Side Quest Stories
Side Quest Stories: Psychosis in Their Own Words is a series of conversations exploring lived experiences of psychosis, recovery, meaning, and mental health in participants' own words.
The series brings together diverse perspectives on psychosis, creating space for reflection, dialogue, and understanding beyond simple explanations or single narratives.
Explore more episodes in the series as they are published.
Side Quest Stories: Psychosis in Their Own Words - Episode 2: Eric
Editor's Note
This transcript has been lightly edited for clarity, readability, and flow. Repetitions, filler words, and transcription artefacts have been removed while preserving the speaker's intended meaning and perspective. Based on an interview conducted for Side Quest Stories: Psychosis in Their Own Words.
Introduction
In the second episode of Side Quest Stories: Psychosis in Their Own Words, I speak with Eric, a Canadian mental health advocate who reflects on seven years of living with psychosis, psychiatric treatment, and recovery.
Eric describes the onset of his first episode at eighteen, his experiences of mania and psychosis, and the questions that emerged in the aftermath. Rather than viewing psychosis solely through a medical lens, he discusses how exploring different cultural, spiritual, and philosophical perspectives helped him make sense of what happened.
Our conversation explores recovery, purpose, identity, stigma, and the importance of finding meaning after difficult experiences.
Key Themes
First episode psychosis
Mania and altered states
Recovery and resilience
Meaning and purpose
Identity after diagnosis
Medication and mental health
Spiritual and cultural perspectives
Growth through adversity
Selected Quotes
"Psychosis was the most transformational thing that's ever happened in my life."
"Recovery is more than medication. It's purpose, meaning, relationships, health, and how you choose to see yourself."
"You have to chase purpose and meaning like your life depends on it."
Transcript
Introducing Eric
Dr Oli: Welcome to Episode Two of Side Quest Stories: Psychosis in Their Own Words, a podcast where I ask every guest the same questions and largely stay out of the conversation. Not because I agree with everything that's said, but because the aim is to understand how different people make sense of their experiences in their own terms. My role is to hold the conversation, not resolve or evaluate it.
We're here with Eric. How would you like to introduce yourself?
Eric: My name is Eric. I'm twenty-five years old and I live in Canada.
In terms of mental health and psychosis, I was eighteen when I was first hospitalized and diagnosed following a first episode of psychosis.
The last seven years of my life have largely been about navigating mental health, psychiatry, medication, identity, and everything that comes with those experiences. I've gone through multiple episodes of psychosis and spent a lot of time trying to understand what happened to me and what it means.
Where Did Your Story With Psychosis Begin?
Dr Oli: Where does your story with psychosis begin?
Eric: For me, it begins at eighteen.
The starting point was cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome, which is a condition where your body begins reacting very badly to cannabis use. For me, it involved severe nausea, dehydration, and repeated episodes of vomiting.
From there things escalated into mania, and eventually my first psychotic episode.
That was the beginning of my journey with psychosis, but in many ways it was also the beginning of a much deeper journey of trying to understand the mind.
Ever since that first episode, I've struggled to accept simple explanations for what happened. The experiences themselves were so profound. The emotions were incredibly intense. The visions, hallucinations, and altered states felt deeply significant at the time.
Whether people choose to describe those experiences as hallucinations, delusions, altered consciousness, or something else, they left a lasting impression on me.
The experience fundamentally changed the way I think about reality. It made me want to learn more about the brain, consciousness, and the kinds of states human beings can enter.
That curiosity has stayed with me ever since.
What Is Psychosis To You?
Dr Oli: What is psychosis to you?
Eric: I don't think I view psychosis in the same way that psychiatry often does.
The traditional explanation—that you're psychotic, you're experiencing delusions, you're out of touch with reality—never completely satisfied me. It never answered the questions I was asking after my experiences.
Because of that, I've spent a lot of time exploring other perspectives. I've looked at different cultures, traditions, and historical approaches to altered states of consciousness.
What interests me isn't only what psychosis is, but how societies respond to people who experience it.
One response is to pathologize people, label them, and see them primarily through the lens of illness.
Another response is to recognise that human beings have always entered unusual states of consciousness and that people going through those experiences deserve understanding, care, and support.
I've always felt more drawn to the second perspective.
That's not to deny that psychosis can be frightening or disruptive. It absolutely can be. But I've never been comfortable with the idea that someone's entire identity should become defined by a diagnosis.
For me, psychosis has always seemed bigger and more complicated than that.
I think the meaning people take from these experiences often depends on the narrative they adopt afterward. The stories we tell ourselves about what happened matter.
What Does Recovery Mean To You?
Dr Oli: What does recovery mean to you?
Eric: Recovery is a complicated word.
The first thing many people think about is medication, and I do think medication can be part of recovery. It's one piece of the puzzle.
But I don't think it's the whole puzzle.
When I look back on my own recovery, the biggest factor wasn't medication. It was my mindset.
I never wanted to see myself as a victim of what happened. I never wanted to define myself entirely by a diagnosis or see myself as permanently damaged.
Recovery became about rebuilding my life.
That included looking after my physical health, exercising, spending time in nature, improving my diet, and developing healthier habits.
It also involved things that aren't always discussed in clinical settings: spirituality, creativity, friendships, relationships, meaning, purpose, and having things to look forward to.
I think all of those things contribute to recovery.
The challenge is that many systems focus primarily on symptoms and medication. If one medication doesn't work, another is tried, and then another after that.
Meanwhile, many of the other dimensions of recovery receive far less attention.
For me, recovery was about building a life that felt worth living.
That takes effort. It takes persistence. But I think those broader aspects of health are just as important as any medication.
What Does Being Well Mean To You?
Dr Oli: What does being well mean to you?
Eric: Being well means feeling connected.
It means not feeling isolated or separate from other people because of what you've been through.
It's about being comfortable in your own skin.
It's about having meaningful things in your life—things you care about, people you care about, and activities that make you feel engaged with the world.
I think wellness is less about the complete absence of difficulty and more about feeling at home in your own life.
What Do People Get Wrong About Psychosis?
Dr Oli: What do people get wrong about psychosis?
Eric: I think people often get the entire narrative wrong.
One example I often think about is how differently people respond to altered states depending on where they come from.
If someone takes ayahuasca, mushrooms, or another psychedelic and talks about unusual visions, insights, or experiences, many people are curious. They want to hear the story.
But if someone describes unusual experiences that occurred during psychosis, the reaction is often very different.
The same kinds of questions and reflections can suddenly become frightening or unacceptable.
I've always found that contrast interesting.
I think psychosis is often viewed exclusively through a lens of pathology, whereas other altered states are sometimes viewed through a lens of exploration, spirituality, or personal growth.
My own experience has led me to see psychosis differently.
I often tell people that psychosis was the most impactful thing that has ever happened to me.
That doesn't mean it wasn't difficult. It doesn't mean it wasn't frightening at times.
But it was profoundly transformative.
It changed the way I see the world. It challenged assumptions I held about reality, identity, and life itself.
In many ways, it forced me to grow.
So when people ask what they get wrong about psychosis, I think one answer is that they often assume there is only one way to understand it.
I don't believe that's true.
How we interpret these experiences matters enormously.
What Advice Would You Give To Others?
Dr Oli: What advice do you have for others about psychosis?
Eric: The first thing I'd say is not to live in constant fear.
If every day is spent worrying about relapse, worrying about symptoms, and worrying about what might happen next, it becomes very difficult to enjoy life.
Fear has a way of shrinking the world.
Part of recovery is learning to loosen your grip on that fear.
The second thing I'd say is to take seriously the things that affect your mental state.
For me, that includes substances like cannabis and anything else that significantly alters consciousness.
There were periods of my life when I didn't fully appreciate how much some of my behaviours were contributing to my difficulties.
Looking back, I wish I'd taken that more seriously sooner.
The final thing—and probably the most important thing—is to find purpose.
Find something that matters to you.
Find something that pulls you forward.
After experiences like psychosis and hospitalization, it's easy to become trapped in endless reflection about symptoms, diagnoses, trauma, and what happened in the past.
But if all your attention stays there, it's difficult to move forward.
Purpose creates movement.
It doesn't have to be something grand. It can be an interest, a passion, a relationship, a creative pursuit, a career goal, or a cause you care about.
Ask yourself what you think about all the time.
What excites you?
What do you wish you could spend more time doing?
Follow those things.
Chase purpose and meaning like your life depends on it.
Because in many ways, it does.
Final Reflections
Dr Oli: That's an amazing way to close the episode. Thank you so much. That's the end of the questions.
Eric: Awesome.
Dr Oli: Thank you so much for being here. I'll stop the recording and check in with you afterwards.
Eric: No worries. Thank you for having me.
About Side Quest Stories
Side Quest Stories: Psychosis in Their Own Words is a series of conversations exploring lived experiences of psychosis, recovery, meaning, and mental health in participants' own words.
The series brings together diverse perspectives on psychosis, creating space for reflection, dialogue, and understanding beyond simple explanations or single narratives.
Explore more episodes in the series as they are published.
Side Quest Stories: Psychosis in Their Own Words - Episode 1: Chantal
Editor's Note
This transcript has been lightly edited for clarity, readability, and flow. Repetitions, filler words, and transcription artefacts have been removed while preserving the speaker's intended meaning and perspective. Based on an interview conducted for Side Quest Stories: Psychosis in Their Own Words.
Introduction
In the first episode of Side Quest Stories: Psychosis in Their Own Words, I speak with Chantal, an independent researcher and mental health advocate whose experiences led her from cannabis-related difficulties and psychiatric diagnosis into a deep exploration of psychosis, recovery, and the limits of current psychiatric frameworks.
Our conversation explores the gradual emergence of unusual experiences, the relationship between addiction and psychosis, the challenges of receiving a schizophrenia diagnosis, and the search for recovery beyond conventional explanations. We also discuss how language shapes our understanding of mental distress, the tensions between different perspectives on psychosis, and why Chantal believes curiosity and critical thinking remain important throughout recovery.
Key Themes
Psychosis and identity
Cannabis use and mental health
Recovery and abstinence
Psychiatric diagnosis
Independent research
The meaning of psychosis
Lived experience and expertise
Selected Quotes
"I thought I was exempt from psychosis until it became part of my own experience."
"It wasn't until I achieved complete abstinence that I felt I had enough cognitive capacity to answer the questions I'd been asking for years."
"I've stopped trying to answer the question of what psychosis is. It's like asking what truth is, or what morality is."
Transcript
Introducing Chantal
Dr Oli: Welcome to the first episode of Side Quest Stories: Psychosis in Their Own Words. This series explores people's experiences of psychosis in their own words. Today I'm joined by Chantal. How would you like to introduce yourself?
Chantal: I think of myself as an independent researcher. I currently volunteer at the University of Washington SPIRIT Center and spend a lot of time engaging with researchers whose work interests me.
My path has been unconventional. I don't have a traditional academic career, but I often reach out to researchers, provide feedback, and share perspectives based on my own experiences. One thing I've noticed is that many research groups working on related topics don't even know about each other's existence. Research moves so quickly that entire communities can end up working in parallel without meaningful communication.
A lot of what I do involves identifying perspectives that may be missing from research conversations and helping connect people who otherwise might never speak to one another.
Where Did Your Story With Psychosis Begin?
Dr Oli: Where does your story with psychosis begin?
Chantal: Looking back, the word psychosis wasn't really part of my vocabulary until around 2012.
That was when I first started experimenting with psychedelics and cannabis. At the time, I was struggling with obsessive thinking, body image concerns, and a range of difficult mental states. Psychedelics seemed like a way to escape some of that.
As soon as you enter those communities, you hear stories about people who have "gone psychotic." It becomes this almost mythical possibility. I didn't really understand what psychosis meant, and I assumed it happened to other people—people who were somehow "predisposed."
I thought I was exempt.
That changed quite quickly.
After I started using cannabis more regularly, I began noticing subtle changes. My thinking felt fragmented. I struggled to connect thoughts together. Sometimes it felt as though another voice or presence was beginning to emerge in my mind—something distinct from the intrusive thoughts I was already familiar with.
For the first time, I began wondering whether this was what people meant by psychosis.
Over time those experiences intensified. By 2014 I was using cannabis every day, eventually throughout most of the day. Within months I was experiencing severe cognitive difficulties. I couldn't hold information in mind. I couldn't retrieve memories effectively. I struggled to learn new things or maintain coherent trains of thought.
I also began hearing occasional voices and seeing shadows.
The voices that appeared were often hostile or violent, which made the experience increasingly frightening.
Alongside these changes, I developed a significant dependence on cannabis. Many people don't believe cannabis withdrawal exists, but my experience was very real. I experienced sweating, shaking, agitation, and intense cravings. It wasn't unlike what people describe with other forms of substance withdrawal.
By 2016, psychosis had become something I thought about constantly.
I never experienced what people might call a dramatic psychotic break, but I was dealing with persistent fragmentation of thought, cognitive impairment, intrusive mental activity, and occasional voices.
In 2017 I received a diagnosis within the schizophrenia spectrum and was eventually prescribed risperidone.
Although I disagreed with many aspects of the psychiatric framework being applied to me, I accepted treatment and remained on a low dose of medication for approximately two years.
Recovery, Abstinence, and Rebuilding Cognition
Dr Oli: What happened after your diagnosis?
Chantal: My main question became simple: if this is psychosis, schizophrenia, or whatever name is being used, how do I improve?
The answer I repeatedly heard was that I needed to stop using cannabis.
At first I reduced my use, moving from daily use to weekly use and eventually to monthly use. What I found, however, was that once the disorganisation had become established, occasional use wasn't enough to allow my mind to recover. The process seemed to continue regardless.
Eventually I came to believe that complete abstinence was necessary.
Over the following years I gradually accepted that although I had many criticisms of psychiatric explanations, I wasn't in a position to answer the questions I was asking. My thinking simply wasn't clear enough.
It was only after achieving sustained abstinence from cannabis and alcohol that I felt my cognitive abilities begin to return.
I've now been abstinent from cannabis for two years and alcohol for almost two years. For the first time, I feel capable of writing precise critiques and engaging meaningfully with questions that had frustrated me for years.
The medication reduced some of the background mental noise, but I never experienced it as something that improved my thinking. Later I also underwent transcranial magnetic stimulation for obsessive-compulsive symptoms. Some aspects helped, but it also seemed to increase irritability and restlessness.
Around 2020 I became increasingly interested in why better treatments for psychosis didn't seem to exist and began reading more widely, exploring both conventional and unconventional approaches.
One of the first things that caught my attention was research into sulforaphane, a compound derived from broccoli sprouts. I became interested in whether alternative biological approaches might offer something different from the medications I had been prescribed.
My frustration with medication wasn't simply about side effects, although those were significant. It was also about the feeling that reducing symptoms wasn't the same thing as restoring function.
The medication reduced the noise, but I didn't experience it as restoring the cognitive abilities I felt I had lost.
As I explored different approaches, I became increasingly interested in broader questions about how psychosis is understood and researched. Why were there not better treatments? Why did so many people with apparently different experiences receive the same diagnosis and the same treatment pathway?
Those questions gradually became central to my work and interests.
By 2022 I was struggling with severe fatigue that eventually led me to explore chronic fatigue syndrome frameworks and mind-body approaches to health.
The fatigue often followed periods of overstimulation. Whether through social interaction, stress, or other demands, I would find myself crashing into periods of profound exhaustion.
Working with supportive people, exploring mind-body approaches, improving my lifestyle, maintaining abstinence, and giving my nervous system opportunities to recover gradually helped me move towards better health.
Today, even clinicians seem uncertain about how to describe my experiences. The label feels less important than it once did.
One thing that gives me hope is that I think about psychosis less than I used to. For years it dominated my thinking. Now it occupies less space in my life.
That's one of the clearest signs of recovery I can point to.
What Is Psychosis To You?
Dr Oli: Earlier you touched on this already, but I'd still like to ask directly: what is psychosis to you?
Chantal: That's a difficult question.
In many ways I've stopped trying to answer it.
To me, asking "What is psychosis?" feels similar to asking "What is truth?" or "What is morality?" It's a much larger question than people often acknowledge.
One reason I struggle with existing definitions is that they group together experiences that may be fundamentally different. Reality distortion, unusual beliefs, voices, cognitive fragmentation, paranoia, and other phenomena are often placed under a single umbrella.
I'm not convinced that's always helpful.
I think there are important differences between these experiences, and I'm not sure current frameworks adequately account for them. When people speak about psychosis as though it's a single, clearly defined thing, I find myself becoming sceptical.
The experiences that get grouped together under the label can be remarkably diverse, and I don't think we've done enough work to understand those differences.
What Do People Get Wrong About Psychosis?
Dr Oli: What do people get wrong about psychosis?
Chantal: One issue is the relationship between categories and language.
People create definitions, those definitions shape how experiences are understood, and eventually people begin interpreting themselves through those definitions. The process can become self-reinforcing.
I'm not suggesting people consciously perform symptoms. Rather, I think language influences what people notice, how they describe it, and how others respond.
Another issue is the distinction often made between psychosis as a symptom and schizophrenia as a disorder. I've never found explanations of that distinction particularly satisfying.
People often speak as though the distinction is obvious, but when you press for a deeper explanation, the answers can become surprisingly vague.
More broadly, I think discussions about psychosis often become polarised.
On one side there are perspectives that frame psychosis primarily as a gift, spiritual awakening, or source of insight. On the other side are perspectives that frame it almost entirely as pathology and illness.
Neither position fully captures reality.
Some experiences may contain meaning, insight, or personal significance. Others can be frightening, disruptive, and destructive. I don't think we gain much by pretending either side doesn't exist.
I also think there is insufficient dialogue between different communities—clinicians, researchers, people with lived experience, peer support groups, and recovery communities.
Each group often sees only part of the picture.
Clinicians may encounter people during periods of acute crisis and understandably develop a particular perspective. Peer-support communities may encounter people who are further along in recovery and develop a different perspective.
Neither perspective is necessarily wrong, but they often don't speak to one another.
Another question that interests me concerns the relationship between cannabis and schizophrenia diagnoses.
How many people receive long-term psychiatric diagnoses before sufficient time has passed for the effects of chronic cannabis use to fully resolve?
I don't know the answer, but I think it's an important question.
My own experience felt less like a sudden psychotic break and more like being held in a prolonged prodromal state. That experience shaped many of the questions I continue to explore today.
I also wonder whether we underestimate the complexity of recovery for people who are navigating both psychosis-like experiences and substance dependence simultaneously. Those challenges can become deeply intertwined.
What Does Recovery Mean To You?
Dr Oli: What does recovery mean to you?
Chantal: Recovery isn't about finding the perfect explanation.
For me it has been about rebuilding capacity.
It's about being able to think clearly, maintain attention, connect ideas, engage with other people, and participate meaningfully in life again.
Recovery also means moving beyond the label itself.
There was a period when psychosis and schizophrenia dominated my thinking. Every experience seemed to be filtered through those concepts.
Today they're still topics I care about, but they no longer define everything.
That's a form of recovery in itself.
I don't feel the same need to constantly ask whether I'm schizophrenic, psychotic, recovered, unrecovered, or any of the other categories that once occupied so much space in my mind.
The questions haven't disappeared entirely, but they've become less central.
That feels healthy to me.
What Advice Would You Give To Others?
Dr Oli: What advice do you have for others about psychosis?
Chantal: That's a difficult question because I can only speak from my own experience.
My instinct is to say: think for yourself.
If something about the way your experiences are being described doesn't make sense to you, that doesn't automatically mean you're irrational, stupid, or incapable of understanding your own life.
That doesn't mean rejecting help. It doesn't mean assuming professionals are wrong.
It simply means remaining curious.
Ask questions. Read widely. Stay engaged with your own experience.
I think there's value in being willing to examine assumptions—your own assumptions as well as everyone else's.
At the same time, I recognise the limits of my perspective. I've never worked in a psychosis service or treatment programme. Everything I'm saying comes from my own journey.
So I offer it with humility.
I can only speak about what helped me and the questions that emerged from my own experiences.
Final Reflections
Dr Oli: Is there anything we haven't talked about that you'd like to add?
Chantal: The final thing I'd say is that researchers are often far more approachable than people imagine.
There are many researchers doing excellent work whose papers are rarely read. If you genuinely engage with their ideas and ask thoughtful questions, many of them will respond.
That's how I got started.
A lot of the opportunities I've had came from simply reading someone's work, becoming interested, and sending an email.
Not everyone replies, of course, but many do.
If you're reading an article and something doesn't make sense, don't be afraid to contact the author. Ask your questions. Share your ideas.
You might be surprised by the conversation that follows.
Curiosity has been one of the most important things in my own journey, and I think it remains important regardless of whether you're a patient, a researcher, a clinician, or simply someone trying to understand their own experiences.
Dr Oli: I really appreciate that. It's been a fascinating conversation. Thank you so much for taking part.
Chantal: Thank you.
About Side Quest Stories
Side Quest Stories: Psychosis in Their Own Words is a series of conversations exploring lived experiences of psychosis, recovery, meaning, and mental health in participants' own words.
The series brings together diverse perspectives on psychosis, creating space for reflection, dialogue, and understanding beyond simple explanations or single narratives.
Explore more episodes in the series as they are published.